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July 2011

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I'm back! (not that I've really been anywhere). Something more fun is coming later....

 
 This isn't a fun rant post. It's just something for me and anyone who cares. However, I will follow it with something that's actually fun. This rant involves mystery trip and me being daydreamy and disorganised.
 
Okay, so, stuff.

That was an eloquent way to begin I think. 
 
Two separate rants, posted together not because they have anything at all to do with each other but because two misery-guts entries in one day is annoying.
 
Rant number one, ten reasons I'd rather not go on the mystery trip tomorrow: 
 
1) I have a feeling it's going to be one of those things where you're supposed to find it fun, and consequently don't, and will involve two long coach rides with lots of out-of-tune singing of bad songs and hannah ratcliffe going whoop
2) I am a grumpy young git.
3) I bet the weather will be 'nice' too. I don't have any nice-weather clothes. I hate all nice-weather clothes.
4) I want to stay inside and rewatch dvds and drink hot chocolate and wilfully have no life because that sounds like a lot more fun. Or I could finish my SAAS application off or apply for some jobs or something useful like that.
5) Everyone in my year whom I want to see again, I will see again, a lot, as much as possible; in fact I have the house to myself the next two weeks so hopefully all the time. Everyone else, well why would I want to see them, when I just saw them for seven years and failed to make much of a connection with them?
6) Isn't even just the name 'mystery trip' annoying? they're not going to take us to the top of the empire state building or to a chocolate factory or to a deep cavern or a drugs party or rock climbing up a massive cliff face or, etc. Why don't they just remove the mystery part and tell us what the fuck it is, since it's not going to be that exciting anyway? And then we'll decide for ourselves whether we'd enjoy it or it'd be hell on earth for us
 
 
                          Twig Comment: "Like, at one point them being like 'this year don't bother with passports, we're not flying anywhere' and i was like '...there was a remote possibility that we would have to get on a plane?'
 because that is the thing that would be guaranteed to completely terrify me."
 
 
 
 
7) There's a lot of stuff that's "fun" that I would absolutely hate.
Things I hate: being in water and rides. Things that most people love: being in water and rides. Ok, i don't hate all rides but theme parks do not appeal to me.
The water thing, which I am not letting go:
 the feeling of being in water, or jumping into water, where I can't reach the bottom, scares the shit out of me;
 the feeling of being in shallow water still feels pretty unpleasant to me
especially as a) I don't feel like the water is clean and b) it generally involves basically stripping down to your underwear in all but name in front of strangers.
8) If any of this involves water or rides in addition to hannah ratcliffe whooping I will be an unhappy bunny,
because it really looks like they're having fun, and I'd love to be enjoying it but I don't enjoy those particular things and it ticks me off
9) christabel says:
 my idea of fun - surprise trip to the british museum
 surprise trip to see Wicked!
 surprise trip to hadrian's wall
 surprise trip to something indoors that requires little physical exertion and can be done wearing jeans, a Thomas Pink shirt and a waistcoat
Catriona says:
 my idea of fun: surprise trip to a comedy show or musical, surprise trip to see lady gaga live, surprise trip round the vintage stores with spending money, surprise trip actual outdoor rock-climbing, surprise trip to a karaoke bar, surprise trip to a student house party
 yours sound good too
christabel says:
 surprise trip to a distillery, with samples
Catriona says:
 surprise trip to a tv studio where something cool gets made
 like, say, dr who
 yes, i am a child
 surprise trip to a haribo factory, with samples
christabel says:
 THAT'd be cool
10) I wouldn't give a shit about missing the last day of school. I've had about 1200 days of school.
Also, that isn't a 'day of school', it's a day somewhere else. Prizegiving is the last day of school
 
 
 
 


Rant Number two. Warning: Contains either genuine emotions or angsty bollocks, I can't tell myself which is which. Possibly might be offensive to people with ADD but I really don't know; possibly triggering or offensive to depressives?
 
I honestly think I might have ADD-PI. ADHD is my latest psychology-geek obsession and I've been reading up on it (don't take this to mean I'm not interested in psychopathy anymore though). Basically this one particular type, the type without the hyperactivity (hence PI--predominantly inattentive), really sounds like me. That said I don't want to waste anyone's time if I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac, which might be the case ...

I've always got told off for daydreaming. I used to try so hard (because I got told I wasn't making an effort which really bothered me because I was) but people would give me instructions and I wouldn't remember them by the end because I'd zone out during them. Also I freeze in social situations and my thoughts and emotions don't stay relevant to the discussion, and sometimes I forget why I'm feeling a particular emotion. Also I'm the most disorganised person I know, and I haven't been on time to school or work once in the past year, and I always underestimate how long it'll take me to do stuff.
I zone out during conversations. In cars particularly, and buses, I REALLY struggle to notice anything except stuff going on outside the window, even if the stuff is very boring. I'm extremely socially withdrawn. Careless mistakes, plenty of those. How many did I make when I was little in schoolwork? How many times have I forgotten to give a customer any change at all? How long did it take me to learn to work the till compared with most people? (answer, loads). And how often do I get asked why I can't just remember to do stuff, make more of an effort, get organised, get it together? (answer, just about every day for the past twelve years). And my nickname was 'the daydreamer' in primary school. I don't think I've ever in my life managed to pay attention all the way through a lesson. And I was quite 'sluggish' as a kid, maybe still am. I know internet tests aren't reliable but I'm scoring really high on every single one. 
 
I might be biased because I kind of would like it if there's a reason for all those symptoms/characteristics other than me being a fucking idiot. I don't care how bad that sounds. Well, okay I care a bit if it makes people furious and they hate me, but really.... either way it still pisses people off and I still can't seem to do anything about it. I'm not lying when I say I honestly can't do anything about it, I used to try all the time and then I just gave up because I ended up hating myself for failing and just getting yelled at again. 
Remember that time last term where I kind of had a two-hour long crying fit because of something completely stupid? It was that stupid fight with miss macateer. I think I might have to anonymously get her a present tomorrow because I kind of called her a manipulative bitch to her face. I don't really think that, and I apologised at the time, but basically I saw red and it seemed like the most hurtful thing to say. Basically, she was saying I was selfish and lazy and I wanted everyone else to conform to my schedule and I made no effort and obviously didn't care about anything, and there's no other way to interpret my behaviour (because I hadn't handed her anything in and I was late for the billionth time). In other words, the kind of thing people always say to me that I usually brush off because I gave up trying to change. So I was brushing her off as well, just being like 'well, I don't agree with you, you don't know me well enough to say that'. And she just kept going and breaking through all my defence mechanisms and stuff. At the time I couldn't figure out why I reacted so badly to that because objectively it seems like a proper overreaction--I cried for like two hours, not even exaggerating, and then I didn't go near her for months. Which is still a massive overreaction but it seems to make a lot more sense, now that I've basically realised I reacted badly to that because I was reacting to anyone who's ever said those things to me, and the kind of feelings I had that they might be true and my frustration at never having been able to do anything about it. It's just something that upsets me, I guess.
 
So anyway, today I spoke to my mum about the tests and everything and she said "You're being a hypochondriac; you never thought you had this before you found it on the internet" (yeah, because I didn't know it existed before I found it on the internet, but she may be right about the former point) "No doctor is going to take that seriously" (fair enough) and "The real problem is you don't make an effort" and then went off on one. Which honestly is just so fucking ARGH because people always tell me I don't make an effort, as if I just decided to spend a good proportion of my childhood being told off and made to feel guilty and told that I'm being selfish and lazy or I don't care enough about anything and a good proportion of my adolescence saying those things to myself and/or wondering if they're true. Fuck off on so so so many levels.
 
 
 
Right, moving on.
 
I think I might post a prom best dressed list next. Flocked and without names, obviously. Because that's much nicer :)

 
 
 
 edit: okay, when I said I was going to post a fun thing, I think I meant I was going to post a fun thing tomorrow. Because getting hold of all the best photos and cropping them takes longer than anticipated and it's past 2am and I have the mystery trip tomorrow.

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